January 27, 2006

All this IRRITATION has PRODUCED A PEARL (OF WISDOM).

FIRST OFF FOLKS, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT CLAMS NOT BEING ABLE TO PRODUCE PEARLS (IN THE REAL WORLD) BECAUSE THEY DO! Just GOOGLE-OOGLE IT! AND YOU WILL SEE.

BUT that's not even what I'M talking about anyway.
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT IS THE REALIZATION THAT ALL THE DISCOMFORT, HEARTACHE,
DARKNESS, DEPRESSION, DISAPPOINTMENT, LONELINESS, AND OTHER "IRRITANTS"
WERE NOT FOR NOTHING.

WHAT THEY HAVE DONE IS WORKED TOGETHER PERFECTLY TO PRODUCE A LOVELY PEARL.

AND I AM NOT QUESTIONING IT.

LIKE TODAY FOR EXAMPLE:
I WAS SLAPPED ACROSS THE FACE SEVERAL TIMES.
I WAS RIDICULED.
I WAS PUSHED TO TEARS BY JUDGMENT AND CRITICISMS.
AND ALSO FORCED TO EAT AND DO A COUPLE OF THINGS THAT MADE ME FEEL VERY ASHAMED.
YES FOLKS, AND HERE'S THE PEARL.

ALL THIS HAPPENED WHILE I WAS SETTING IN MY APARTMENT ALONE! IN MY UNDERWEAR!

OH, PEARL OF WISDOM!

SWEET, SWEET PEARL!

I SEE NOW.

I MUST HELP PEOPLE!

I MUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, GET ON THE BUS, THE PHONE, GO SOMEWHERE, DO SOMETHING!
TRY TO HELP OTHERS, SO MY MIND CAN'T GET ME AGAIN AND THROW ME BACK IN THE "TRICK BAG".

MY PEARL IS YOUR PEARL.
LET ME HELP YOU.
FOR MY SAKE AND YOURS!
ITS A WIN-WIN SITUATION.

I AM SUPER-SUCCESSFUL AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DYNAMIC PROGRAM THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

BUT IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT I AM NOT LEFT ALONE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME.

CAUSE WHEN I'M NOT HELPING, I'M HURTING!

DON'T HURT ME.

I AM HERE FOR YOU.

Posted by clamlynch at 9:26 AM

January 25, 2006

SORRY I'VE BEEN GONE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. I WAS HAVING MY MAN-STRUATION, WHICH MADE ME GRUMPY, BLOATED, and DEPRESSED.

You see folks, When I was a child my mother had a skiing accident, and after that...

well, let's just say she CHANGED.

She left my dad for another woman and we moved to a commune, where I was the only MALE
in a group of 106 ladies.

Well, as you ladies know, when you live in close quarters with other ladies you start to have your periods at around the same time.

Well, LIKE SOME SICK COSMIC JOKE, I developed all the SYMPTOMS of the monthly curse at the tender age of 12 years.

And although there was no actual BLEEDING (Thank GOD)
I too would have my menses (or man-ses),
Complete With the crankiness, the weight gain, the crying, the pimples, the angry mood swings,and the weird food cravings.

ALSO A STRANGE HATRED OF MEN.
Which has been problematic because I AM a man.

ANYPOOP,
I'VE ACCEPTED IT AS JUST PART OF LIFE AND I NOW (30 YEARS LATER) JUST MAKE THE BEST OF IT, AND REALLY TRY NOT TO PUNCH ANYONE.

So one day a month it's PHONE OFF, in bed with the ice cream, movies, pizza and Motrin.

After that I'M good to go.

That's just me.

GOD BLESS.

Posted by clamlynch at 10:21 PM

January 23, 2006

MY HANDS ARE MOVING, and I AM SAYING WORDS!

Folks, you might be saying, "BIG F'ING DEAL, So what?"

And first off, that is NOT A VERY CLASSY WAY TO TALK.

And second off, IT IS A BIG F'ING DEAL!

BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE!

IT ALSO MEANS THAT YOU ARE ALIVE, BECAUSE YOU'RE READING THIS.

AND IF WE'RE ALIVE (WHICH WE HAVE ALREADY AGREED UPON),
THEN WE CAN CHANGE.

IT'S LIKE THIS.
I USED TO HATE THE WAY CERTAIN PARTS OF MY BODY SMELLED
AND I WAS ALWAYS SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT THEM.

LIKE:

"GROSS, THAT THING SMELLS LIKE A BIG MAC!"
or
"THAT SMELLS LIKE DOG FOOD AND CHEAP WINE !"

AND USING WORDS LIKE "DISGUSTING" and "REAL BAD" and "OH MY GAWD."

BUT THEN ONE DAY ALL THAT CHANGED.

AND I JUST STARTED LIKING MY SMELLS.

BECAUSE THEY ARE MY SMELLS !
THEY'RE PART OF ME!
AND THEY ARE TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

LIKE:
THAT PRETTY LADY IS LOOKING AT YOU.
or
THESE PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE A FRAUD AND THEY HATE YOU.
or
YOU NEED A SHOWER (WITH SHAMPOO).
or
YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK.

AND MY SMELLS BECAME MY FRIENDS/PARTNERS.

NOW I LOVE MY SMELLS.

IF I COULD BOTTLE MY OWN SMELL AND SPRAY IT BACK ONTO MY SELF, I WOULD.

AND THAT'S A LOT OF GROWTH ON MY PART.

FRIENDS, LEARN TO LOVE YOUR SMELLS.

SENSE YOUR ONENESS WITH LIFE AND SENSE YOUR SCENT.

IT MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S THE FIRST STEP IN A BRAND NEW YOU.

TAKE IN A GREAT BIG BREATH OF YOU.
AND SAY:

"YES!!! THAT IS ME!!"

LOVECLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 10:09 PM

January 19, 2006

LET ME LOVE YOU. 'CAUSE MY SELF-LOVE PIPE SEEMS TO BE ALL CLOGGED UP.

COULD YE DO ME A FAVOR?

COULD YOU LET ME LOVE YOU?

LOVE YOUR SPIRIT, LOVE YOUR MOXIE AND GOOD RELATIONSHIP.

CAN I JUST BASK IN YOUR HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS FOR A MINUTE OR TWO?

I WON'T GET IN THE WAY.
I WON'T BE RESENTFUL OR GIVE YOU ANY UNSOLICITED ADVICE.

I ONLY WANT TO FEEL YOUR LOVE.
TO BE SOMEONE WHO JUST LOVES YOU.

HEY, IF IT'S NOT ASKING TOO MUCH, WOULD YOU RUB A LITTLE OF THAT SWEET STUFF ON ME?

DAMN!!

WELL, I JUST BLEW IT.

BECAUSE LOVE ASKS FOR NOTHING IN RETURN.

SO I GUESS I'M BUSTED.

I APOLOGIZE.
I WAS FEELING DESPERATE.

I HAVE HAD A HARD DAY.

I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON THE PITY POT AND HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO "RELEASE" A DROP OF IT .

AND IT SEEMS THE MORE I PUSH THE MORE PAINFUL IT FEELS.

SO I WAS THINKING IF I LOVED YOU AND THOUGHT GOOD THOUGHTS FOR YOU.
I MIGHT GET A LITTLE LOVE VIBE FOR MYSELF.

PLEASE DON'T THINK BADLY OF ME (I'M DOING A FIND JOB OF THAT ON MY OWN)

I AM SURE YOU'LL FORGIVE ME.

AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU.

Posted by clamlynch at 9:42 PM

January 14, 2006

ARE YOU DEPRESSED/SAD? I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TRY MY NEW SMILE-A-TATION TECHNIQUE.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.
GO AHEAD.
THAT'S GOOD.

NOW RELAX YOUR BODY.

HEY!! DAMN!!
OK, HOLD ON.

CHANGE OF PLAN.

DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES.

I NEED YOU TO BE READING THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

OK, BETTER.

SHIT! I HOPE YOU'RE NOT JUST SITTING THERE WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED AFTER THAT FIRST LINE.

BUT THERE'S NOTING I CAN DO ABOUT THAT NOW.

ANYWAYS—
WITH YOUR EYES OPEN,
RELAX YOUR BODY.
NOW PUT YOUR FOCUS ON YOUR FACE.
NOW BRING THE FOCUS ONTO YOUR MOUTH.
GOOD.
NOW SLOWLY AND GENTLY RAISE ONE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.
OK.
NOW BRING YOUR FOCUS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.
AND GENTLY AND WITH PURPOSEFUL INTENSION RAISE THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.

HEY SOUR PUSS!
I GOT YOU SMILING!

AND A FROWN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN IS A SIGN OF HAPPINESS.

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY MY FRIEND.

KEEP IT UP.

LOVE.

Posted by clamlynch at 9:44 PM

January 7, 2006

YOU HAVE BEEN TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL IN MANY THINGS ALREADY, and YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT.

That's RIGHT! DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL AT MANY THINGS? here's a list of things I WAS "VERY" successful at IN MY OLD LIFE.

1. NOT BEING HAPPY.
2. CREATING LARGE AMOUNTS OF DEBT.
3. DRINKING TOO MUCH.
4. ISOLATION.
5. LIMITING MY CREATIVITY AND IMAGINATION.
6. NOT HAVING A PURPOSE OR ANY INSPIRATION.
7. BEING DEPRESSED AND RUNNING ON FEAR AND PANIC.
8. LONLINESS.
9. BEING UNHEALTHY.

And the list WENT on and on.

OF COURSE NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE FOR ME TODAY.

BUT WHAT IT SHOWS ME/YOU IS THAT WE CAN BE SUCCESSFUL AT WHATEVER WE PUT OUR TIME AND EFFORT INTO.
AND YES! IT TAKES WORK.

THAT OLD LIST/LIFE TOOK A LOT OF TIME AND EFFORT TO PERFECT.

A LOT!

AND THIS IS HOW I STARTED TO TURN IT AROUND.

I STARTED BY SAYING :

HEY! I SUCK AT BEING UNHAPPY.

MAN OH MAN, I'M JUST NO GOOD AT CREATING DEBT—THE GOSH DING DONG MONEY JUST KEEPS FLOWING IN.

DAMN! I WISH I COULD DRINK MORE, BUT IT MAKES IT TOO HARD TO TALK TO GOD.

BOY! I REALLY AM A FAILURE AT BEING ISOLATED FROM LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, AND SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE.

GOD KNOWS I'VE TRIED TO LIMIT MY CREATIVITY AND INSPIRATION BUT IT JUST DOESN'T WORK.

DARN! ALL THESE DIVINE SPARKS AND ABUNDANT WINDFALLS HAVE TOTALLY RUINED MY DEPRESSION!

HOW CAN I BE FEARFUL AND PANICKY WHEN IT'S SO OBVIOUS THE WORLD IS CONSPIRING FOR MY GOOD? I GIVE UP.

I'M JUST NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO BE UNHEALTHY WHILE I KEEP EATING RIGHT AND EXERCISING. DANG!

ALL I'M SAYING IS, IF YOU WANT TO BE SUCCESSFULLY HAPPY, HEALTHY, LOVED AND LOVING, AND ABUNDANT—YOU CAN.

JUST SAY YOU ARE. AND YOU WILL BE.

AND IF YOU WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN LONELINESS, ILL HEALTH, MISERY, SELF PITY, LACK AND LIMITATION—YOU CAN BE.

JUST KEEP SAYING YOU ARE .

IT'S CALLED FREEDOM AND IT'S A WONDERFUL THING!

GOOD LUCK or NOT .
WHATEVER YOU'RE INTO.
YOU ARE A SUCCESS!

Posted by clamlynch at 3:06 PM