February 22, 2006

I NOW OFFICIALLY HAVE A REAL, IMAGINARY STOP SIGN IN MY MIND! Also a SMALL MATTRESS TO JUST RELAX ON.

FRIENDS ,
After many nights (and days) of confusion and bewilderment and
much pleading and beseeching to LIFE, it has finally arrived!

MY VERY OWN HONEST-TO-GOODNESS STOP SIGN!
PLANTED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY MIND'S EYE.

AND FOLKS, IT'S A BEAUTY!
AND POWERFUL!
(Even that kooky little MONKEY MIND is IMPRESSED.)

'CAUSE IT'S TELLING ALL THOSE PEOPLE UP THERE TO STOP!
And it couldn't have come at a better time.
THERE WAS SO MUCH TRAFFIC AND CHAOS UP THERE I WAS AT MY WITS' END.

plus BONUS!

When they delivered the STOP SIGN, they also delivered a SMALL yet COMFORTABLE MATTRESS.
Complete with a nice soft pillow and a SUPER-SOFT BLANKIE.

NOW WHEN I STOP I CAN ALSO HAVE A NICE REST FROM MYSELF.

AND WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU, DEAR FRIENDS, IS THIS:

NOW THAT I CAN STOP MY MIND-TRAFFIC—
AND TAKE A MUCH NEEDED BREAK/NAP AWAY FROM MY LONG-SUFFERING LITTLE SELF—
I WILL HAVE WAY MORE TIME FOR YOU!

YEAH FOR YOU!
AND YEAH FOR ME.

I WANT YOU TO COME CHECK OUT MY STOP SIGN SOMETIME—AND MAYBE WE COULD HAVE A NAP ON MY MATTRESS or SOMETHING?

IT'S PRETTY SMALL, though.
PLUS I don't know how you're going to be able to actually ENTER MY MIND?

WELL...THERE I GO AGAIN! GOSH DARN IT!

LIKE HAVING MY VERY OWN MATTRESS (IN MY MIND ) ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH! LIKE IT'S TOO SMALL, IT NEEDS SHEETS, IT HAS WEIRD STAINS ON IT, IT'S NOT ACCESSIBLE TO FRIENDS or POSSIBLE LOVERS.

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING! IT'S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH, BLAH,BLAH,BLAH.

THANK GOD I'VE GOT MY STOP SIGN.
AND I AM GOING TO USE IT NOW!

STOP.

SEE FOLKS? IT WORKS!

I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I JUST SAID.

GOD BLESS.

Posted by clamlynch at 9:37 PM

February 20, 2006

TAKE A LITTLE TIME FOR YOURSELF—with my revolutionary TIME OUTHOUSE TECHNIQUE.

MY DEAR FRIENDS:
In this crazy DOG-EAT-PONY RAT-RACE SHOW called LIFE,
We all need a little break now and then.

That's why I have come up with a DYNAMIC NEW TOOL to help YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU.
TO LET IT GO.
TO RELEASE THE PRESSURE THAT HAS BEEN BUILDING UP INSIDE YOU.

I CALL IT THE TIME OUTHOUSE,
AND HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:

IMAGINE A SMALL PRIVATE LITTLE HOUSE IN YOUR MIND.
NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GO INSIDE (Perhaps you might bring a newspaper or a book).
YOU THEN CLOSE THE DOOR, AND JUST SIT THERE.
LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE FUTURE, EVERYTHING.
JUST LET IT FLOW OUT OF YOU.
DON'T FORCE IT OR PUSH TOO HARD—JUST LET IT HAPPEN NATURALLY.
AFTER THE PRESSURE LEAVES YOU, JUST STAY FOR A MINUTE OR TWO,
AND FEEL THE RELIEF AND BE GRATEFUL
(PERHAPS READING YOUR IMAGINARY BOOK OR NEWSPAPER).

NOW YOU CAN START YOUR DAY OVER.
LIGHTER, LESS BLOATED, FREE OF THAT INTERNAL PRESSURE.

TAKE SOME TIME OUT FOR YOU.

VISIT THE TIME OUTHOUSE.

AND VISIT SOME FREEDOM.

Posted by clamlynch at 2:22 PM

February 18, 2006

Take a ride on my JOY-A-COASTER!

SOME UN-Informed folks look at life like a SCARY ROLLER COASTER.

MY Friends, I AM suggesting A REVOLUTIONARY NEW WAY of SEEING IT. (LIFE, THAT IS.)

NOW, I know life is filled with MANY ups and downs.

Lets talk about the UPs for a moment.
UPs are GOOD.
UPs make you happy.

I AM UP with UP!

But AS we all know, sometimes life brings us DOWN, HARD!
And I AM NOT DOWN with DOWN !
As i said, I'M UP with UP !

SO HERE'S WHAT WE DO: When we're UP, let's REALLY BE UP !

LET'S say to people, friends, lovers, ANYONE who will listen: "I AM UP!"

Now, if people like say, YOUR PARENTS or EX-WIFE or EX-BOSS say "you should go to the doctor" or "are you drinking again?"
or they just roll their eyes and walk away or SLAP YOU or HANG UP ON YOU—

THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE NOT UP!
THAT JUST MEANS THEY ARE NOT UP!

Now, when we're DOWN, let's not look at it as a HOPELESS, BAD, FOREVER THING.
LETS GET EXCITED!
YES, YOU HEARD ME, LET'S GET JAZZED!
LET'S LOOK AT IT AS A TIME TO BE PUMPED UP ABOUT GOING BACK UP!

THATS how the JOY-A-COASTER works.
IT'S ALWAYS GOING UP!
The down time is PREPARING YOU TO GO BACK UP!

YOU GOT IT!

NOW—I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITH A NAME FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL JOY-A-COASTER.

Not a SCARY/DARK name, like THE DEMON.
or THE WIDOW MAKER.
or THE PUKE MACHINE.

May I suggest a few BETTER NAMES to get you started?

How about:

THE TUMMY TICKLER.
or
THE MAGICAL UNICORN EXPRESS.
or
THE FUNNY-TIME FUN RAIL.

KEEP IT UP, FOLKS!
AND HOLD ON TO YOUR PANTS!
AND BRING SOME TOILET PAPER,
'CAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE A RIDE ON THE WILD SIDE.

THE WILDLY SUCCESSFUL SIDE, THAT IS.

http://www.clamlynch.com/blog

Posted by clamlynch at 9:16 PM

February 16, 2006

DON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE.

FOLKS, THIS IS A TRAP. WE ALL FALL INTO IT NOW AND THEN, EVEN ME (A LOT)!

BUT SEEING IS NOT BELIEVING.

WHAT DO I SEE RIGHT NOW?

I SEE AN EMPTY BED.

I SEE A CIGARETTE WITH A VERY LONG ASH FALLING ON THE KEYBOARD AS I TYPE.

I SEE BILLS THAT AREN'T PAID.

I SEE A TEAR DROPPING FROM MY EYE.

I SEE A VERY ANGRY/SAD MOOD FALLING OVER ME.

I SEE NO WAY OUT.

AND GUESS WHAT? HA,HA,HA, NONE OF IT'S TRUE!

WELL IT'S TRUE, BUT IT'S NOT REAL.

IT'S ONLY BAD INFORMATION COMING FROM PAST EXPERIENCES.
BUT IT'S NOT THE REAL ME.

THE REAL ME IS HAPPY, HEALTHY, WITH PLENTY OF MONEY AND A DYNAMITE LADY CALLING
ME INTO THE BEDROOM.

THAT'S THE REAL DEAL FOLKS,
AND THAT'S WHAT I ACCEPT.
AND THAT'S WHAT'S ON ITS WAY.
THAT'S MY FOCUS.

AND IT'S COMING AS SOON AS I LET IT.

BUT WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG?
DID I GIVE THE WRONG ADDRESS?
AM I NOT READY OR SOMETHING?

SEE.... THERE I GO WITH THE DOUBTING .

AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
THAT'S THE BLOCK.

ITS LIKE THIS CAT I USED TO HAVE.

I WAS THINKING THAT I WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WOULD GIVE HER CANS OF TUNA AND EXPENSIVE TOYS AND TRY TO PLAY WITH HER AND LOVE HER—

SHE JUST HATED ME.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

UNTIL ONE DAY WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM (#2)
AND
I HAD MY SLACKS AND BOXER SHORTS DOWN AROUND MY ANKLES
AND
IN COMES THIS CAT, ALL FRIENDLY AND SWEET, AND I SAID, "HEY THERE YOU LITTLE SWEETIE, YOU'VE FINALLY COME AROUND."

THEN THE CAT PROCEEDED TO GET INTO MY BOXERS
AND JUST SIT THERE.

SO CUTE!

AND THEN SHE TOOK A DUMP RIGHT INTO MY UNDERWEAR AND HISSED AT ME AND RAN OUT OF THE ROOM.

SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?

WELL... MAYBE THAT ACTUALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I WAS SAYING BEFORE.

But what I AM saying is:
HANG ON, 'CAUSE YOUR DAY IS COMING—IN FACT, IT'S ALREADY HERE!

YOU JUST NEED TO SEE WITH A NEW EYE.
USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
AND AS SOON AS YOU GET IT RIGHT INSIDE—

THEN BANG!BOOM! THERE IT IS.

JUST HANG IN THERE, BABY.

DONT GIVE UP.
I'M SENDING YOU SOME LOVE RIGHT NOW!

DID YOU FEEL THAT?
GOOD.

Posted by clamlynch at 9:37 PM

February 15, 2006

I AM BECOMING MORE MAN(ish).

Folks, it's TRUE.

I AM definitely trying to EMBRACE MY MANHOOD in everything I do.

NOW when I cry, I cry MANLY TEARS.

I ALSO DANCE A MORE MANLY DANCE.

I AM ALSO SINGING IN A MORE MANLY MANNER.

I ACTUALLY JUST FINISHED SING'N "I WILL SURVIVE"
(In a deep manly voice with clenched fists with an almost VIKING like demeanor).

WHY AM I DOING THIS? YOU MIGHT ASK.

BECAUSE :

1. I AM A MAN.

and

B. I HAVE NOT GIVEN MY MANLY-MAN SIDE ANY "QUALITY TIME"
IN A LONG TIME.

(Which I think has made me confused and prone to
infantile breakdowns and hissy fits.)

AM I GOING TO START CARRYING AROUND A CLUB?
AM I GOING TO DRESS LIKE FRED FLINTSTONE?
AM I GOING TO DRAG SOME DYNAMITE LADY BACK TO MY CAVE BY THE HAIR?
AM I GOING TO GO OUT AND KILL A GIANT FLYING DINOSAUR WITH MY BARE HANDS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT I AM GOING TO TOUCH MY MANHOOD MORE .

I AM ALSO PLANNING A TRIP TO THE DESERT WHERE I WILL:

PUNCH THINGS!
AND YELL WORDS!
AND SCREAM AT SOME CACTUS!
AND POUND MY CHEST!
AND PEE ON STUFF!

THAT SHOULD PROBABLY SET ME STRAIGHT (WHILE ALSO GIVING
MY REPTILIAN BRAIN A LITTLE TIME TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM).

I PROMISE I WILL BE BACK TO THE OL' NEOCORTEX and LIMBIC
BRAIN, WITH ITS SENSITIVE FEELINGS AND FANCY WORDS—
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BEING, THESE WORDS AND FEELINGS
MAY BE A LITTLE TINY WEENY MORE MANLY-ISH.

BUT WITH LOVE.

MAN LOVE.

MAYBE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU (Whoever you are)
I WILL GIVE YOU A GREAT BIG HUGGY WUGGY!!
A GREAT BIG HAIRY BEAR HUGGY WUGGY THAT IS.
GRRRROOOOWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

LOVE,
CAVECLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 9:23 PM

February 10, 2006

I AM SO DARN SICK OF THINKING!

FOLKS, I AM OVER IT! ALL THIS THINKING, THINKING, THINKING!

And believe ME, MR. LINCOLN, I HAVE NOT BEEN DRINKING!
JUST THINKING, AND I AM SICK OF IT!

WHO THE HELL EVER THOUGHT OF THINKING ANYWAY?
WELL, WHO EVER DID, IT WAS A DUMB IDEA!

PEOPLE, I AM SORRY TO GO ON SUCH A RANT.
BUT THAT'S JUST WHERE MY HEAD'S AT.
IT'S WHAT I AM THINKING ABOUT (THOUGHTS AND THINKING AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE).

I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT THINKING IS A BLESSING.

BUT I THINK IT'S ALSO A CURSE!

IT'S A BLURSE!

MAYBE I JUST NEED TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES THINKING?

LIKE THINKING ABOUT...OH I DON'T KNOW—MAYBE FLOWERS?

A FIELD OF FLOWERS.

THE FLOWERS ARE NOT THINKING AND SPINNING AND WORRYING.

THEY'RE JUST FLOWERS.

JUST BEING FLOWERS.

FLOWERS ARE NOT DEPRESSED.

NEITHER ARE ROBOTS FOR THAT MANNER.
BUT I WOULD RATHER BE A FLOWER THAN A ROBOT.

DON'T GET ME WRONG. ROBOTS ARE COOL.

But hey, this is what I don't want.
I don't want to be thinking about SOME NICE FLOWERS,
SPINNING AND TOILING NOT—
AND THEN START THINKING ABOUT A HERD OF CRAZY MINDLESS ROBOTS COMIN' IN AND TRASHING ALL THE NICE FLOWERS!

IF THOSE ROBOTS WOULD ONLY STOP AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE DOING, MAYBE THEY WOULD QUIT CREATING SUCH HAVOC IN MY SECRET GARDEN!

BUT AS YOU KNOW, ROBOTS DON'T THINK ABOUT THOSE THINGS.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, I GUESS THINKING IS GOOD—'CAUSE IT MAKES YOU THINK
AND NOT BE A CRAZY MIXED UP ROBOT WHO JUST CANT STOP HIMSELF.

I AM NOW GOING INTO THE CLOSET (OF MY MIND ) TO THINK GOOD THOUGHTS.
ABOUT FLOWERS AND HUMMINGBIRDS (WHICH ARE TOTALLY COOL).

PEOPLE, A WORD OF ADVICE:
"DON'T SPEND YOUR TIME THINKING ABOUT ROBOTS.
'CAUSE, BELIEVE YOU ME, THEY ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU."

THINK EASY.
THINK OF THE SUNNY SIDE OR THE SHADY SIDE WHAT EVER YOUR INTO.
IF YOU DRIFT OFF INTO A BAD PLACE, JUST COME BACK.
I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU.
LOVECLAM

http://www.clamlynch.com/blog

Posted by clamlynch at 10:04 PM

February 8, 2006

QUIT YOUR BELLYACHING!

PEOPLE, I AM SO SICK OF ALL THIS WHINING and BELLYACHING!

ALL THESE ANGRY FOLKS, WITH THEIR TINY LITTLE CLOSE-MINDED ATTITUDES.

SAYING STUFF LIKE:

"YOU SHOULD JUST PULL YOURSELF UP BUY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS"

or

"QUIT WITH THE TOUCHY-FEELY B.S. AND GET A JOB"

and

"GROW UP AND BE A MAN"

WHAT KINDA MIXED UP BACKWARDS THINKING MAKES PEOPLE SAY SUCH NONSENSE?

I AM SORRY TO JUDGE ....BUT HOLY-CAT!! COME ON NOW!!

WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF US WHO HAVE NO BOOTS (LET ALONE BOOTSTRAPS)?

AND IF BEING TOUCHY FEELY IS B.S., THEN I WILL HAVE A LARGE STEAMING BOWL OF IT PLEASE!

AND AS FAR AS "GROWING UP AND BEING A MAN" (WITH A JOB),
LET ME JUST TELL YOU ONE THING RIGHT NOW.

I AM A MAN!
I AM A TOUCHY-FEELY MAN WHO HAPPENS TO BE BOOTLESS!

AND FOLKS I HAVE A JOB:
HELPING PEOPLE.

HELPING BAREFOOTED TOUCHY-FEELY MEN (AND WOMEN) BE HAPPY.

LIKE BUTTERFLIES!
AND I AM TOTALLY INTO BUTTERFLIES!

AND I AM TOTALLY INTO YOU/ME.

ANGER=ANGER
JOY=JOY

LOVE
CLAM
=LOVE YOU! !

Posted by clamlynch at 8:18 PM

February 3, 2006

YOU LIGHT UP LIFE!

Folks, try this little EXPERIMENT:

GO TURN OFF ALL THE LIGHTS IN YOUR HOUSE.

OK!

NOW TURN THEM ON.

Now listen.
What do you hear?

THAT'S RIGHT; NOTHING!

YOU DON'T HEAR THE LIGHT SAYING:

"WHAT THE HELL!"
or
"WHY DID SOMEONE TURN ME OFF!"

THE LIGHT'S NOT GRUMBLING ABOUT THE WHO, WHAT OR WHERE OF IT ALL.

THE LIGHT IS JUST ON.

WELL FRIENDS, THAT'S A LOT LIKE ME.

I AM NOT A GRUMBLING GRUMBLE BEE, SAYING STUFF LIKE:

"WHY DIDN'T THIS HAPPEN SOONER?"
or
"WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN,TO SINK THAT LOW, TO BE HIT SO MANY TIMES, TO LOSE SO MUCH, TO BE SO LONELY AND DEPRESSED, TO WAKE UP EVERY MORNING SAYING, 'I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER DAY OF THIS LIFE, PLEASE SOMEBODY JUST SHOOT ME!'"

NO!

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, TALKING AND DWELLING ON THAT CRAP IS A SURE-FIRE WAY OF GETTING THAT LIGHT TURNED BACK OFF.

AND SECOND, YOU'RE WASTING VALUABLE "LIGHTS ON" TIME.

BECAUSE NOW THAT THE LIGHT IS ON—
IT'S ON!

JUST STEP INTO THE LIGHT.
DONT FIGHT THE LIGHT.

I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING:
"I DONT CARE—'CAUSE I GOT ME A FLASHLIGHT!"

WELL MISTER, THAT FLASHLIGHT OF YOURS IS RUNNING ON THE BATTERIES OF SELF-WILL.

AND THEM THINGS DONT LAST VERY LONG.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

KEEP IT LIGHT.

Posted by clamlynch at 10:09 PM