Clam Lynch - Cut the Crap

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August 21, 2006

NEW NEWS!

Well I finally did it! I BECAME NEW. And I’m NOT talking about that old "new again" crap. I AM talking about brand NEW. Like just pulled out of your mommy's special place, brand spanking NEW! And folks it feels, well it's hard to explain because obviously I have never felt this way.

When people used to talk about a NEW YOU, I used to think "oh like a new car or a new pair of slacks, maybe a new lady friend or a new job (or ANY job for that matter). But now I see it's an inside new like a totally new NUDE NEW, with or without all the outside fixins.

So now I AM going to go back and look for the chain of events that led up to this NEW NEWNESS. Then I will write them down and maybe put out a pamphlet or something? OR, maybe I will find a fire or some kind of big news event, and look for the news crew and tell them, "I saw everything" and when they put me on the air I will just start telling everyone out there in TV land how I became NEW and how they can do the same. YES! That is a great idea, and the new me is saying, "YES! THAT IS A GREAT IDEA, GOOD THINKING NEW ME! WAY TO GO!”

Now the old me would have said, "That’s a dumb idea" and turned the phone off and got back in bed. But that guy doesn’t live here anymore.
KNOCK ,KNOCK.
WHO THERE?
NEW.
NEW WHO?
NEW ME!
NOW OPEN THE GOSH DARN DOOR OLD ME AND HIT THE ROAD, YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER NEEDED!

Now I’ve got to get to work. I have to look through years of morbidly depressed, fearful, hopeless, and tearstained journals to figure out just when and how this happened so I can get that info out to you dear readers.

The new news is on its way.

Love,
New Clam

Posted by clamlynch at 9:46 PM