Clam Lynch - Cut the Crap

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June 20, 2007

I FINALLY FOUND MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

YES IT'S TRUE AND I GOT TO HIM JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. THE GUY WAS AT DEATHS DOOR.

HE HAD BEEN MISSING FOR MANY WEEKS AND WAS HIDING BEHIND A MOUNTAIN OF DEBT. I SPOTTED THE POOR GUY JUST SITTING THERE ROCKING AND CRYING. WHEN I GOT TO HIM AND TOOK OFF HIS BIG SONY WALKMAN HEAD PHONES I COULD HEAR THAT THE CASSETTE WAS PLAYING THE SONG "DON’T STOP BELIEVING" BY 80'S SUPER BAND JOURNEY AND I KNEW THERE WAS STILL SOME LIFE IN HIM.

I LOOKED DOWN AT HIM AND SAID:
"HELLO DEAR FRIEND, WONT YOU COME HOME? I NEED YOU AND I’VE REALLY MISSED YOU.

I FELT SUCH COMPASSION FOR HIM AS HE LOOKED UP AT ME. I COULD SEE HIS FAKE MUSTACHE WAS FALLING OFF AND HIS CUT OFF AT THE WAIST "MUSTACHE RIDES - 5 CENTS" TEE SHIRT WAS SOAKED WITH TEARS. HIS BELLBOTTOMS THAT WERE TUCKED INTO HIS PINK VINYL COWBOY BOOTS, (OR HIS BOGGITY, BOGGITY SHOES) AS HE LIKES TO CALL THEM, WERE ALSO SOAKED, THOUGH I DON’T THINK WITH TEARDROPS FROM THE PUNGENT SMELL FLOATING OFF THEM.

HE NOTICED ME SNIFFING AND TOLD ME THAT HE THOUGHT A DOG HAD COME BY AND PEED AND POOPED ON HIS SLACKS WHEN HE WAS ASLEEP. I GAVE HIM A SYMPATHETIC NOD AND HELPED HIM UP. WHEN I LOOKED AT HIM CLOSELY I COULD SEE MYSELF IN THE REFLECTION OF HIS MIRRORED MOTORCYCLE COP SHADES AND I WAS SMILING. IT FILLED ME WITH JOY.

AS WE WALKED AND TALKED HE TOLD ME THAT HE THOUGHT I WAS FINISHED WITH HIM, THAT HE WAS SURE THAT THE DARKNESS AND THE THICK SHADOWS OF WORRY, DOUBT, FEAR, AND PAIN THAT I WAS HOOKED INTO, WERE MY NEW FRIENDS AND THERE WAS NO TIME FOR HIM.

HE TOLD ME THAT EVERY TIME HE HAD TRIED TO GET MY ATTENTION I WOULD JUST MAKE UP SOME LAME EXCUSE LIKE:

"I'LL BE WITH YOU AS SOON AS I FIGURE A WAY TO PAY THE RENT, GET A CAR, TAKE CARE OF MY KID, FIND SOME LOVE, QUIT SMOKING, FIND THE RIGHT MEDICATION FOR MY DEPRESSION, GET SOME MONEY, TAKE ANOTHER NAP...BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

"CAN YOU COME BACK LATTER WHEN I DON’T FEEL LIKE BLOWING MY BRAINS OUT"

FRIENDS, THAT HIT ME HARD.

OH, I DID MY BEST TO HOLD BACK THE WATERWORKS, TELLING HIM I HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE, SOMETHING THAT WAS VERY HOT. SO HOT, IT WAS CAUSING MY GLASSES TO STEAM UP. THEN I BLEW MY NOSE AND MY GLASSES FLEW OFF AND AS I WAS HUNTING AROUND FOR THEM. MY PAJAMAS SPLIT OPEN IN THE ASS AREA AND I PROCEEDED TO STEP ON MY GLASSES AND BREAK THEM.

PEOPLE, HERE’S THE RUB-A-DUB.

I JUST LAUGHED.

THEN I FELT A SHIFT AND I KNEW WE WERE REUNITED.

FRIENDS, IT FELT SO GOOD.

I PULLED MYSELF TOGETHER AND REACHED OVER AND FIXED HIS FALLING OFF MUSTACHE AND HE PICKED UP MY BROKEN GLASSES AND TRIED TO PUT THEM BACK ON ME WITH NO LUCK. I PUNCHED HIM IN THE SHOULDER AND HE GRABBED HIS ARM AND SAID, "OOOOOH" IN HIS FUNNY LITTLE VOICE. THEN I GAVE HIM A GREAT BIG OL' BEAR HUG TO WHICH HE SAID "OWCH, YOUR HURTING" SO I STOPPED AND GAVE HIM A WEDGEY INSTEAD.

THEN WE DID A BUNCH OF STUPID SHIT LIKE, KUNG-FU FIGHT, SOUL TRAIN DANCING, ROBOT TALK, NAKED MIMING, AND OTHER STUFF LIKE THAT. WE LAUGHED SO HARD I THOUGHT SOMETHING IN MY BATHING SUIT AREA WAS GOING TO BREAK.

MY "PROBLEMS" DISSOLVED BACK INTO EMPTY PASSING THOUGHTS. BACK INTO THE NOTHINGNESS FROM WHICH THEY CAME AND I FELT FREE.

THE LAUGHTER WAS LIKE SWEET HEALING MUSIC.

OH, THANK GOD.

OH SWEET SENSE OF HUMOR, YOU SAVED MY LIVE....AGAIN.

BLESS YOU, MY GOOD HUMOR MAN AND BLESS YOU DEAR READER FOR YOUR TIME.

LOVE,
CLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 4:45 AM