Clam Lynch - Cut the Crap

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July 17, 2007

TEACH YOUR MIND SOME NEW TRICKS

FOLKS, THE BEST WAY I HAVE FOUND TO MAKE THAT OL’ BRAIN BOX OF YOURS DO SOME NEW TRICKS, IS TO GIVE IT SOME NEW INSTRUCTIONS AND TRAINING.

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE FOUND TO REALLY WORK:
FIRST TAKE YOUR MIND OUT INTO NATURE OR MAYBE JUST SOMEWHERE YOU’RE SURE NO OTHER PEOPLE WILL BE.
* LIKE MAYBE IN YOUR BED?
* THE END OF A LONG DIRT ROAD?
* AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE?
* A FIELD OF COWS LATE AT NIGHT?
* IN YOUR CLOSET?
* WHAT ABOUT A LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL FIELD AT AROUND 2 AM?
* A BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT YOU HAVE AT HOME AND FORGET (ON PURPOSE) TO INVITE ANYONE.....WHY DID I DO THAT? I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO BE ALONE.
* HEY! WHAT ABOUT A ROW BOAT DRIFTING IN THE BAY AT NIGHT WITH NO LIGHT OR PADDLES.

I AM NOW GOING TO STOP GIVING YOU SUGGESTIONS ON WHERE, PEOPLE MIGHT NOT BE AND GET BACK TO THE INSTRUCTIONS. BECAUSE AS YOU ARE WITNESSING RIGHT NOW, THE MIND CAN JUST GRAB ONTO SOMETHING AND START RUNNING AROUND WITH IT. MY MIND COULD OF JUST KEPT COMING UP WITH PLACES PEOPLE MIGHT NOT BE AND NEVER GET BACK TO WHAT WE WERE DOING, WHICH WAS?

SORRY, I HAD TO GO BACK AND READ WHAT I HAD WRITTEN.

OK. RIGHT, NOW GO TO AN ISOLATED LOCATION AND TAKE YOUR MIND OUT AND BEFORE IT RUNS OFF AND STARTS SWINGING AROUND IN THE TREES OR DIVES IN THE WATER OR CRAWLS UNDER THE SHEETS LIKE A CRAZY MONKEY SAYING COO COO MONKEY STUFF LIKE:
"WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON"

"I’M SCARED HOLD ME” THEN HE SLAPS YOU ACROSS THE FACE AND CALLS YOU A PERVERT.

"OK ,THIS TIME YOU HAVE REALLY GONE TO FAR, I THINK IT'S TIME TO CALL THE SPECIAL DOCTOR"

BEFORE THIS STARTS, YOU SAY IN A FIRM TONE, “STOP IT CORKY!!”. (I CALL MY MONKEY MIND THAT)

NOW YOUR MIND MIGHT JUST LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU’RE A FEW BRICKS SHY OF A FULL DECK, BUT YOU JUST HOLD YOUR GROUND. IF YOUR MIND TRIES TO REASON WITH YOU OR USE WHAT IT LIKES TO CALL LOGIC, YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND YELL REALLY LOUD:

“NO!!!! CORKY!! NO!!”

YOU DON’T SAY THE CORKY PART. UNLESS THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL YOUR MONKEY MIND GUY. THAT WOULD BE QUIET A COINCIDENCE WOULDN’T IT.

OR WOULD IT? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

OH, WHO REALLY GIVES A SWEET BIPPY? THIS IS GOING NOWHERE. I SHOULD STOP WRITING AND JUST THINK ABOUT NAKED TELEVISION PEOPLE AND GRAB SOME ICE CREAM AND GET IN BED.

“NO!! CORKY!! NO!!”

SEE THAT? CORKY JUST SNUCK UP ON ME.

I/WE MUST STAY FOCUSED.

SO, WHERE WERE WE? YES, THE YELLING.
THE YELLING USUALLY CONFUSES/SCARES THE MIND ENOUGH TO SHUT IT UP AND THAT’S WHEN YOU START YOUR WORK.

YOU EXPLAIN TO YOUR MIND THAT THERE’S A NEW PLAN, A NEW JOB, A NEW DIRECTION OR A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN. HOWEVER YOU PHRASE IT, THE OBJECTIVE IS TO PREPARE YOUR MIND FOR A BIG CHANGE AND THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT IN CHARGE ANYMORE AND THAT THERE WILL BE NO MORE RUNNING AROUND ALL WILLY-NILLY WITH ITS OLD THOUGHTS AND HABITUAL THINKING ABOUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH LIFE AND WHY.

YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL.
YOU ARE IN CHARGE IN THE FLOW OF LIFE.
YOUR HIGHER SELF CAN NOW TAKE OVER.

“NO!! CORKY!! NO!!!”

OK, THIS IS NOT WORKING OUT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SOMEONE WHOSE NAME BEGINS WITH A C AND ENDS IN AN ORKY IS REALLY ACTING UP/OUT AND GIVING ME BAD SUGGESTIONS AND THOUGHTS THAT ARE NOT POSITIVE OR CONSTRUCTIVE. HE’S DISTRACTING ME FROM THE ...

OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHEESE! I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.

I AM GOING TO FEED, YOU KNOW WHO, SOME ICE CREAM AND WATCH A MOVIE AND SEE IF THAT WILL QUIET HIM DOWN.

I WILL CONTINUE WHATEVER I AM TRYING TO SAY LATER.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME. I WILL GET BACK TO YOU SOON.

TIL’ THEN GO PICK YOUR NOSE/BUTT OR SOMETHING...

“NO!! CORKY!!! NO!!”

SORRY,
CLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 11:03 AM