January 30, 2008

I AM going to be so happy, I JUST MIGHT PUKE!

I was just thinking how happy I AM going to be, and it made me feel a little sick.

NOT in a "I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRANK SO MUCH" or "THAT HAM SMELLED EXACTLY LIKE ASS, WHY THE HELL DID I EAT IT?" kinda way.

More of a FIRST LOVEMAKING or SEEING A PRETTY LADY IN A TIGER (OR BUNNY) COSTUME kinda way.

I AM ACTUALLY ALREADY HAPPY, I just don't know it.
HOW DO I KNOW THIS?

BECAUSE WHEN THINGS SEEM AT THEIR WORST, LIKE YOU CAN'T GO ON ANOTHER DAY—

WHEN YOU'RE SO CONFUSED AND SAD AND ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED AND CAN'T STOP CRYING AND YELLING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, WITH THE ROCKING AND THE TALKING IN CAT TALK—

IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!

YOU'RE ON THE VERGE OF A MENTAL BREAKTHROUGH!

AND the amount of BAD you're feeling will be REPLACED with THE SAME AMOUNT OF GOOD FEELINGS!

NOW FOLKS, IF YOU'RE ANYTHING LIKE ME, THAT'S A LOT OF GOOD FEELINGS!

DON'T GIVE UP!
THE MENTAL FIRE WON'T BURN/KILL YOU!
THE TROUBLED WATERS WILL NOT DROWN YOU!
THE DARK,DARKNESS WILL TURN TO LIGHT AND THAT LIGHT WILL BE YOUR NEW WISDOM
AND THAT WISDOM CAN BE USED TO HELP OTHERS WHICH WILL HELP YOU.

FOLKS, EVEN WHEN LIFE SEEMS TO BE SO PAINFUL AND HOPELESS AND UNBEARABLE AND POINTLESS AND
YOUR THINK'N THAT YOU CANT GO ON ANOTHER DAY.

HOLD ON !

JUST LET THE FEELINGS PASS LIKE CLOUDS.
MAYBE YOU CAN SAY:
"THAT CLOUD LOOKS LIKE MY LANDLADY."
"THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE MY EXWIFE."
"THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE THE I.R.S."
"THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A MOUNTAIN OF DEBT"
"THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE DEPRESSION."
"THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A LONLEY NAKED MAN ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR CRYING OUT , WHY ME ?!!!."
"THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE A GUN OR A LARGE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS."
OR WHATEVER.

THE POINT IS THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS PASSING BY.
THEY CANT HURT YOU.
UNLESS YOU TRY TO ATTACH OR RIDE ON THEM, BECAUSE CLOUDS ARE NOT THAT STRONG AND YOU
WILL FALL .

YOUR SO CALLED PROBLUMS COULD JUST BE OPPORTUNITYS.

DONT GIVE UP.

YOU'RE JUST CHANGING.
AND SOMETIMES IT CAN LOOK PRETTY UGLY—like THAT HAIRY CAVE BOY on THE LAND OF THE LOST OR WITCHY POO FROM H.R. PUFF'N STUFF.

BUT IT'S PART OF YOUR REBIRTH!

FROM A BIG SUICIDAL, UNHAPPY, CRYBABY, LOSER ,TO A BIG LAUGHING, HAPPY ,SUCCESS BABY!

HOLD ON TO YOUR DIAPER.

YOUR NEW LIFE IS BIRTHING AS WE SPEAK.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

http://www.clamlynch.com/blog

Posted by clamlynch at 10:58 PM

January 8, 2008

I AM JAZZED!!!

WELCOME FRIENDS AND FELLOW, LOVERS OF THE DANCE.

HEY FOLKS, LET'S GET JAZZED TODAY!! WHATA YA SAY?
LET’S JUST GET ALL JAZZY FOR A MINUTE AND JAZZ ON!

I AM WEARING MY FANTASY JAZZ BOOTS RIGHT NOW AND NOT MUCH MORE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (WINK). IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I MEAN, I AM PRETTY MUCH NAKED EXCEPT FOR A SMALL TOWEL AND MY BOGGITY, BOGGITY SHOES (THAT’S WHAT I CALL MY FANTASY JAZZ BOOTS WHEN I’M ALONE).

ANYWAYS, ITS BEEN A VERY TRYING DAY AND I AM HOME ALONE, SO I DECIDED TO GET MY JAZZ GROVE ON.

LET ME TELL YOU DEAR READER, WHEN YOU’RE FELLING DOWN AND UNABLE TO GET THAT FEEL GOOD MOJO WORKING, NOTHING SNAPS YOU BACK LIKE A LITTLE NAKED, JAZZ MAN/LADY DANCING.

IT'S THE QUICKEST WAY I KNOW TO PUT A LITTLE PAZZAZ BACK INTO YOUR HEART, MIND AND BOOTY.

NOW JUST GET IN FRONT OF THAT MIRROR AND JAZZ IT ON OUT!!
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT; 1 ,2, BINGO!!
YOU’RE BACK VIBRATING THAT FEEL GOOD ENERGY AND FEELING JAZZTASTIC!!

A FEW WORDS OF ADVICE:

WINDOW SHADES SHOULD BE IN THE DOWN POSITION WHILE YOU'RE JAZZ'N.

And

IF A SO CALLED FRIEND TRIES TO TALK YOU INTO VIDEOTAPING YOUR JAZZ-CAPADES BY SAYING, "COME ON!! YOU CAN WATCH IT LATER AND WORK ON YOU ROUTINE, IT WILL BE FUN". THEN THAT SAME EX-FRIEND TELLS YOU THE VIDEO CAMERA IS BROKE AND IT DIDN’T RECORD. LATER, YOUR FRIEND MARY LOU SHOWS YOU THIS "REALLY HILARIOUS GUY DANCING NAKED IN FRONT OF A MIRROR" THAT SHE FOUND ON THE YOU TUBE THING-A-MA-JIGGY AND YOU’RE THINKING, “THANK GOD I DECIDED TO PUT BLACK TAPE OVER MY EYES AT THE LAST MINUTE, EVEN THOUGH REMOVING THE TAPE PULLED ALL MY EYE LASHES OFF”. THEN SOME FAMILY MEMBER WHO, LIKE THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY, THINKS THAT YOU’RE CRAZY AND THAT YOU SHOULD GO TO A PLACE THAT CAN HELP YOU GET UN-CRAZY, START CALLING EVERY HOUR OR SO SAYING, "JUST CHECKING IN WITH YOU" AND "HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" AND "DO YOU WANT TO TALK?" ....

WELL, ANYWAYS, I AM JUST SAYING, DO NOT LET ANYONE FILM, TAPE, OR EVEN
DO A QUICK SKETCH OF YOU WHILE YOU’RE IN THE JAZZ ZONE. EVER!!

Also

IF YOU’RE GOING TO TRY TO DO THAT CHAIR TRICK WHERE YOU STAND ON THE CHAIR AND TIP IT OVER BY PUSHING YOUR FOOT AGAINST THE BACK PART ...WELL LET’S JUST SAY, THIS VETERAN JAZZOLOGIST, HAD TO GO TO THE FREE CLINIC AND HAVE A PIECE OF AN OLD WOODEN CHAIR REMOVED FROM A HOLE THAT IS MORE USED TO NOT HAVING PARTS OF CHAIRS STUCK UP IN IT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (WINK).

IF YOU DON’T, I AM TALKING ABOUT MY BOTTOM HOLE.

SO USE DISCRETION.
FOLLOW YOUR INNER-GUIDANCE.
DON’T BE AFRAID.

JUST TURN ON YOUR HEART LIGHT AND MAKE A MOVE. CAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO BE "MOVING ON UP" IN NO TIME AT ALL.

THAT’S A GUARANTEE.

I WILL JAZZ YOU LATER MY DEAR FRIENDS,

CLAM
P.S
KNOCK, KNOCK..

Posted by clamlynch at 11:52 AM