March 12, 2008

I AM GLAD I AM NOT A TOILET.

FOLKS, the other day, while I was leading a CUT THE CRAP JR. (for kids) seminar at a local playground, one of the children said something to me that has forever changed my life.

He asked me:

"YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD WOULD BE?"

To which I replied:

"BEING YOUR PARENT?
OH...HEY NOW, I'M JUST KIDDING LITTLE JOHNNY. GO ON, PLEASE TELL ME—WHAT WOULD BE THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD?"

To which he replied:

"BEING A TOILET."

WOW! OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES.

HOW TRUE, HOW REAL, HOW POWERFUL!

AND PEOPLE, IT REALLY PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE.

THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE—
WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE?
IF THAT WAS YOUR JOB: TO BE A TOILET.

MAN!

THE "NOT GOOD" POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

GRATITUDE IS WHAT COMES TO MIND.
GRATITUDE AND COMPASSION FOR TOILETS.

LET'S BUILD FROM THERE.

YOUR JOB (MOST LIKELY) IS NOT BEING A TOILET.
AND ALTHOUGH I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING YOUR JOB/LIFE HAS MANY
TOILET-LIKE QUALITIES,

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL (METAPHORICALLY). YOU'RE NOT AN ACTUAL TOILET.

AND THANK GOD FOR THAT.

MAYBE THAT COULD BE A LITTLE AFFIRMATION FOR SOME OF YOU.

AT LEAST I'M NOT A TOILET.
AT LEAST I'M NOT A TOILET.
AT LEAST I'M NOT A TOILET.

I AM DEFINITELY NOT A TOILET.

I AM A HAPPY, HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL, CARING, SHARING, ABUNDANT LOVING PERSON.

AND SO ARE YOU.

IF YOU WANT.

IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.

HEY ! THAT IS A GREAT NEW MEDITATION TOOL.

SEE IN YOUR MIND'S EYE A GIANT TOILET.

NOW SEE IT FILLING UP WITH ALL THOSE BAD THOUGHTS YOU HAVE ABOUT YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

NOW....FLUSH.

ALL GONE.

DON'T FORGET TO JIGGLE THE HANDLE.

THANK YOU LITTLE JOHNNY.
THANK YOU GOOD PEOPLE,
AND THANK LIFE!

BLESS YOU(S).

Posted by clamlynch at 10:25 AM

March 9, 2008

STAY ON THE INSIDE SIDE.

Folks last night it was as cold as a WITCHES BRASS MONKEY, and I’m not talking temperature.

I AM talking about my HEART and in my MIND.

"Why so cold?" I said to myself as I rocked back and forth on the side of the bed.

And then it hit me.

SEPARATION.

And I said "HOLY CAT!! "
And then I said "HOLY CAT??"
And then I stopped thinking about the phrase “HOLY CAT” and went back to my original thought.

SEPARATION.

I realized I was feeling totally SEPARATE from my GOOD.
Like all GOOD things were outside me somewhere.
That if only A, B, and G were here then I would be ok.

Now folks, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE PART OF THE LAWN YOU WATER MOST, and I realized that I had been watering the wrong side of the lawn. So instead of spraying my "LIFE WATER" all over the outside lawn, I decided to take the METAPHORIC HOSE and turn it on myself.

I STUCK THAT IMAGINARY THING IN MY MOUTH AND TURNED THAT SUCKER UP FULL BLAST!!

And CHEESE ON A STICK, if that didn’t do the trick.

All the seeds that where planted in the darkness of my dark time were AWAKEN! Breaking the soil and blossoming in my SECRET PLACE.

OH SWEET ELIXIR OF LIFE!

AS WITHIN so WITHOUT.

And YES I am still "WITHOUT" many things (In the outside world), but NOW that my FANCY new MIND GARDEN is in full bloom, I know it's only a matter of time before, BAM! BIG TIME DEMONSTRATION!!

AND FOLKS I TELL YOU WHAT. Focusing on the OUTSIDE stuff only makes you neglect your INSIDE stuff. Then the weeds come up and the soil dries out and the moles and gofers and locust start screwing up your whole FLOWER PATCH.

Just stop and smell the flowers, IN YOUR MIND.

AND IF YOU CAN DIG THAT ,RIGHT ON!!
AND IF YOU CAN'T ,NEVER-MIND.

LOVE ALLWAYS,CLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 10:16 PM

March 8, 2008

EVERY PROBLEM HAS A SOLUTION. STAY CALM, AND THE ANSWER WILL COME.

Today as I was running out the door to meet a SUCCESSFUL new day,
I felt a strange BULGE in my trousers.

At first I thought that in my ENTHUSIASTIC ENTHUSIASM I might have hurt my PENIS or my BOTTOM HOLE.

But I came to find out that THERE WAS ANOTHER PAIR OF UNDERWEAR IN MY SLACKS FROM THE PREVIOUS DAY!

FOLKS, WHAT I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU IS:

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM.

YOU MIGHT THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR PENIS/VAGINA or your TOOTER , AND THEN COME TO FIND OUT IT'S ONLY AN EXTRA PAIR OF UNDEROOS FROM THE DAY BEFORE.

LIFE IS FUNNY LIKE THAT.

DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

STOP, BREATHE,AND THINK BEFORE YOU REACT.

WHEN THE "WORST CASE SCENARIO" THOUGHTS COME FLYING IN , STOP !PAUSE.
AND SAY:
" IS THIS ABSOLUTELY . ABSO-TOOTY , TRUE ? "

HOW EMBARRASSED WOULD I HAVE BEEN IF I HAD TAKEN THE BUS ALL THE WAY DOWNTOWN TO THE FREE CLINIC AND WAITED ALL DAY TO SEE THE DOCTOR—
ONLY TO HAVE THEM REMOVE A DIRTY PAIR OF BATMAN UNDERWEAR FROM MY PANTS?

THANK GOD I STOPPED, THINK'D, and TOOK A BREATH—
Then STUCK MY HAND DOWN MY PANTS AND SOLVED THE PROBLEM.

STAY CALM.

LOVE CLAM.

http://www.clamlynch.com/blog

Posted by clamlynch at 9:38 PM

March 5, 2008

WATCH OUT FOR JOY-BUMPS!

Folks, Life has installed its very own INNER-TRAFFIC CONTROLS.

Along with CROSSWALKS and STREETLIGHTS (or STRESSLIGHTS),

IT HAS GIVEN YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL JOY-BUMPS.

Let me explain.
JOY-BUMPS seem like a real pain in the ass when you're cruising down the roadway to success.
BUT THAT ASS PAIN IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS!

JOY-BUMPS are here so that you slow it down and take in what's around you.

IF A SUCCESSFUL LIFE MEANS A BALLS-OUT, PEDAL-TO-THE-METAL RACE TO AN EXPLOSIVE CRASH, what would be so enjoyable about that?

IT WOULD MAKE YOUR SUCCESSFUL LIFE MEANINGLESS AND ALSO CREATE A HORRIBLE TRAFFIC JAM/SIG ALERT
FOR THE REST OF US.

JOY-BUMPS ARE ALSO THERE SO YOU DON'T RUN OVER HAPPINESS
AND KILL IT.

If you come across a JOY-BUMP.
STOP YOUR MENTAL RACING, AND LOOK AROUND.

CHANCES ARE YOU'LL SEE A SWEET PUDGY LITTLE BOY NAMED HAPPINESS with his brothers JOY and KINDNESS Playing with
their little ball by the side of the road.

MAYBE you will see their sweet little one-eyed friend FAITH and her BIG sister ABUNDANCE.
And maybe there will be others ?
YOUR MIND MIGHT START RACING!
Saying to you:

"There's too many of them, they're so strange-looking, I think that little one has a KNIFE!"

"I'M GETTING BACK IN MY RACING MINDCAR AND GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE!"

AND PEOPLE, THAT WOULD BE A DAMN SHAME.

'Cause those little folks need your attention.
They want to play with you.
They don't Carry knives or firearms!
They want to come with you on your road trip.

AND BELIEVE YOU ME, YOU'RE GOING TO BE VERY GLAD YOU BROUGHT THEM.
BECAUSE THE TRIP CAN BE VERY LONG.
AND I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THAT IT CAN GET VERY LONELY.
With the Talking to yourself, fighting with yourself, maybe even smacking yourself over the head with a bottle.

Don't travel alone.
Bring the kids!
They belong to you.
Don't be a spiritual deadbeat DAD/MOM!

ENJOY THE COMPANY!

I BRAKE FOR HAPPINESS!
YOURCLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 11:45 AM

March 3, 2008

Will you join me in a FLIGHT OF FANCY?

Will you join me in a FLIGHT OF FANCY?

Come on, LADYGIRL! Put on your FANCIFUL FLYING SUIT and LETS SOAR!

Let's make like a ROCKETSHIP and just ROCK OFF!

I KNOW YOU GOT IT IN YOU.
I KNOW, YOU KNOW, WHAT I KNOW, CAUSE GUESS WHAT?
IT'S THE SAME THING!

We are FREE/PRICELESS.

We are REAL/IMAGINATION.

Sure it might be hiding behind some OLD HEART BREAKS and some PAST REGRETS and FUTURE WORRIES. Maybe some SHADOWS and some SMOKE, some BLAH, BLAH, BLAHS, and some BOO HOO HOOS!

But we can CHANGE!

Change our MINDS, our THOUGHTS, our MOODS, our REACTIONS, our VIBRATIONS, our UNDERWEAR!

PEOPLE it is calling to US, and although the voice is still small and some time seems to be in another language, it’s still there in the still of the stillness.

Sometimes it calls to me in FRENCH from behind a LARGE BRICK WALL in my MIND and when I get up close and put my ear to the wall I can hear the voice say:

"ce mur n'est pas vrai, promenade par lui!"

Which I think means:

"This is not a real wall you should come join us FRENCH PEOPLE on the other side cause we are having a REALLY good time!"

OR something like that. I AM not sure, cause I DONT SPEAK FRENCH and I don’t even know why there are FRENCH PEOPLE IN MY MIND?

But that’s the mystery of LIFE.

AND I LOVE IT!

It's a REAL/MYSTERY!

USE YOUR IMAGANATION TO SEE YOUR TRUE SELF IN THE UNSEEN.

Because, HELLO!

It is REAL.
You are REAL.
I AM REAL.

AND THAT IS REALLY GOOD!

Je t'aime

Le Clam

http://www.clamlynch.com/blog

Posted by clamlynch at 11:03 PM

I CAN'T MAKE YOU JUMP INTO A NEW SUCCESSFUL LIFE, BUT I CAN GIVE YOU A LITTLE PUSH.

I CAN NOT TAKE THE PLUNGE FOR YOU.
I WISH I COULD, BUT THEN YOU WOULD BE LEFT STANDING THERE—WHILE I WAS OUT LIVING THE GOOD LIFE.
And that would be sad, and also make you resent me.

AND I DON'T WANT THAT—IT'S BAD MOJO.

I WANT YOU TO JUMP!
TO LET GO!
I CAN LEAD YOU TO THE EDGE—THE EDGE OF YOUR SAD, UNSUCCESSFUL, BITTER AND RESENTFUL BORING EXISTENCE, BUT FOR LEGAL REASONS I CAN'T ACTUALLY PUSH YOU OFF.

But let's say I just happen to bend down to tie my sandal, and you just happen to trip over me (wink).
That might work.

The important thing is you do it!
YOUR NEW LIFE IS WAITING.
JUMP ON IN! THE WATER'S MADE OF DREAMS and WISHES, and the sand is made of gold.

READY, SET, JUMP! INTO THE SUCCESSFUL NEW YOU!

Posted by clamlynch at 1:59 PM