Clam Lynch - Cut the Crap

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November 15, 2009

I AM BECOMING MORE MAN(ish).

Folks, it's TRUE.

I AM definitely trying to, EMBRACE MY MANHOOD, in everything I do.

NOW when I cry, I cry, MANLY TEARS.

I ALSO DANCE A MORE, MANLY DANCE.

I AM ALSO SINGING IN A MORE ,MANLY MANNER.

I ACTUALLY JUST FINISHED SING'N "I WILL SURVIVE"
(In a deep manly voice with clenched fists with an almost, VIKING like demeanor).

WHY AM I DOING THIS? YOU MIGHT ASK.

BECAUSE :

1. I AM A MAN.

and

B. I HAVE NOT GIVEN MY MANLY-MAN SIDE ANY "QUALITY TIME"
IN A LONG TIME.

(Which I think has made me confused and prone to
infantile breakdowns,uncontrollable crying jags, and hissy fits.)

AM I GOING TO START CARRYING AROUND A CLUB?
AM I GOING TO DRESS LIKE FRED FLINTSTONE?
AM I GOING TO DRAG SOME DYNAMITE LADY BACK TO MY CAVE BY THE HAIR?
AM I GOING TO GO OUT AND KILL A GIANT FLYING DINOSAUR WITH MY BARE HANDS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT I AM GOING TO TOUCH MY MANHOOD MORE .

I AM ALSO PLANNING A TRIP TO THE DESERT WHERE I WILL:

PUNCH THINGS!
AND YELL WORDS!
AND SCREAM AT SOME CACTUS!
AND POUND MY CHEST!
AND PEE ON STUFF!

THAT SHOULD PROBABLY SET ME STRAIGHT (WHILE ALSO GIVING
MY REPTILIAN BRAIN A LITTLE TIME TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM).

I PROMISE I WILL BE BACK TO THE OL' NEOCORTEX and LIMBIC
BRAIN, WITH ITS SENSITIVE FEELINGS AND FANCY WORDS—
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BEING, THESE WORDS AND FEELINGS
MAY BE A LITTLE TINY WEENY MORE MANLY-ISH.

BUT WITH LOVE.

MAN LOVE.

MAYBE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU (Whoever you are)
I WILL GIVE YOU A GREAT BIG HUGGY WUGGY!!
A GREAT BIG HAIRY, MAN BEAR, HUGGY WUGGY THAT IS.
GRRRROOOOWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

LOVE,
CAVECLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 9:23 PM