January 16, 2010

EVERY PROBLEM HAS A SOLUTION. STAY CALM, AND THE ANSWER WILL COME.

Today as I was running out the door to meet a SUCCESSFUL new day,
I felt a strange BULGE in my trousers.

At first I thought that in my ENTHUSIASTIC ENTHUSIASM I might have hurt my PENIS or my BOTTOM HOLE.

But I came to find out that THERE WAS ANOTHER PAIR OF UNDERWEAR IN MY SLACKS FROM THE PREVIOUS DAY!

FOLKS, WHAT I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU IS:

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM.

YOU MIGHT THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR PENIS/VAGINA or your TOOTER , AND THEN COME TO FIND OUT IT'S ONLY AN EXTRA PAIR OF UNDEROOS FROM THE DAY BEFORE.

LIFE IS FUNNY LIKE THAT.

DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

STOP, BREATHE,AND THINK BEFORE YOU REACT.

WHEN THE "WORST CASE SCENARIO" THOUGHTS COME FLYING IN , STOP !PAUSE.
AND SAY:
" IS THIS ABSOLUTELY . ABSO-TOOTY , TRUE ? "

HOW EMBARRASSED WOULD I HAVE BEEN IF I HAD TAKEN THE BUS ALL THE WAY DOWNTOWN TO THE FREE CLINIC AND WAITED ALL DAY TO SEE THE DOCTOR—
ONLY TO HAVE THEM REMOVE A DIRTY PAIR OF BATMAN UNDERWEAR FROM MY PANTS?

THANK GOD I STOPPED, THINK'D, and TOOK A BREATH—
Then STUCK MY HAND DOWN MY PANTS AND SOLVED THE PROBLEM.

STAY CALM.

LOVE CLAM.

Posted by clamlynch at 9:38 PM

January 9, 2010

THE POWER OF IF !!!

DEAREST FRIENDS,
DURING MY, MEDITATION /NAP IN WHICH I TYRED TO CONTEMPLATE THE HERE AND NOW,
I REMEMBERED I HAD BOUGHT A LOTTERY TICKET ON A LARK AND I REALIZED THE DRAWING WAS TONIGHT !
AND THEN I THOUGHT OF ALL THE GOOD WORK I COULD DO WITH THAT CASH.

LIKE:
DRIVING AROUND IN A BRAND NEW FANCY CAR SO I COULD GET TO MORE PEOPLE AND HELP THEM....
WHILE ALSO ARRIVING IN COMFORT AND STYLE, BECAUSE I COULD HIRE SOME ONE TO DRIVE, UNLIKE THE BUS
WHICH, WHILE YES SOME ONE ELSE IS USUALLY DRIVING, ITS NOT THAT COMFORTABLE AND LIMITS ME TO HELPING PEOPLE WITHIN MY LOCAL BUS ROUTE.
ALSO:
I COULD GET MY TEETH FIXED UP NICE.

PLUS... GIVE AWAY MY COLLECTION OF PENNEY'S,POSTAGE STAMPS AND BUTTONS TO SOME UNFORTUNATE PENNILESS SOUL WHO'S BEEN DREAMING OF A DAY WHEN HE COULD MAIL SOME BUTTONS TO CHILDREN IN COUNTRIES WERE THEY HAVE A NEED FOR MORE BUTTONS.

OH THE THINGS I COULD DO.
THE LIST IS ENDLESS.

BUT ALAS,
SAD TO SAY I DID NOT WIN THE SUPER MEGA LOTTO PLUS .
I WAS SURE I WAS GOING TO WIN AND WAS TRUDEY SHOCKED AS I SAW THE NUMBERS
AND REALIZED I HAD NOT ONLY, NOT WON,BELIEVE IT OR NOT MY FRIENDS, I HAD NONE, LIKE ZERO,ZIP,GOOSE EGG, MATCHING NUMBERS.

YES... DEAR FRIEND, I ACTUALLY LOST.

SERIOUSLY, WHEN I SAY LOST , I MEAN LIKE , LAST PLACE , LOST.
I COULD NOT HAVE DONE WORST.

AND THIS BRINGS ME TO THE THING THAT I WANTED TO TALK YOU ABOUT.

HOLD ON.....

I JUST WANTED TO CHECK THOSE NUMBERS ONE LAST TIME.
BECAUSE IT'S EASY TO WRIGHT ABOUT THINGS YOU SHOULD DO TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE WHEN THE ONE DOING THE SAID WRITING IS REALLY, REALLY RICH.

AND DEAR ONES, I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE KIND OF FOLKS, ...YET.

SO IF I HAD BEEN WRONG WITH THE DATE OR SOMETHING

HOLD ON....

YES , OK I AM BACK, SO IF I HAD BEEN WRONG WITH THE DATE OR SOMETHING OR LOOKED AT THE WRONG
NUMBERS , LIKE I WAS LOOKING AT THE WRONG STATE OR SOMETHING...
...OH.. HOLD ON!

OK!
NOW THAT WAS JUST RUDE OF ME

IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.
PINKIE PROMISE.
I LOST AND I ACCEPT THAT AND I AM MOVING ON NOW.

SO WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IS THE POWER OF,
"WHAT IF"
WHAT IF CAN BE A POWERFUL TOOL IN KICK STARTING YOUR FEEL-GOOD ENGINE AND GET YOU
DRIVING THAT, MIND MOBILE OF YOURS OUT OF FUNK-TOWN AND INTO HAPPY-CITY.
AND GOOD NEWS FRIENDS!!
ITS NOT THAT LONG OF A DRIVE .
IT'S A LITTLE TO FAR TO WALK, ALTHOUGH IT CAN BE DONE , JUST BE WARNED, IT MIGHT BE HARSH AND PAINFUL, BECAUSE THE WALKING PATH TO HAPPY-CITY IS FILLED WITH DOUBT,TIGERS,FEAR,LIONS,DIS PEAR AND COWS!

ANYWAY WALKING IS POWERED BY SELF-WILL, WHERE AS YOUR MIND MOBILE IS POWERED BY LIFE, AND THE FLAME OF LOVE!

WHAT THE G.D. F'N H.E. DOUBLE HONEY STICKS!!!, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MR CLAM LYNCH!!
I CAN IMAGINE SOME OF YOU FOLK SAYING.
AND TO THAT I SAY:
WHAT THE IF!!, IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

JUST IF IT, FOR A WHILE AND THEN, MOVE INTO IF AND THEN, BECOME IF.
I KNOW THIS ALL SOUNDS IFFY , BUT FRIEND... IT WORKS.
AND IF IT DOESN'T ?
IF IT AGAIN!

YOU JUST GOT TO BELIEVE WE ARE MAGIC AND NOTHING CAN STAND IN OUR WAY.

IF IT UP, MY FRIENDS!!
AND DON'T LET YOU, GET IN YOUR OWN WAY.

GOD LUCK AND GOODNIGHT AND GOOD MORNING TOO!
IMAGINE IF I LOVED YOU .
WELL GUESS WHAT?
I DO.
SEE IT'S WORKING ALL READY.
CLAM

Posted by clamlynch at 7:13 PM

January 5, 2010

TRY MY NEW "MAGNET MIND" TECHNIQUE.

SAY:

IT IS GOING TO WORK.
IT IS GOING TO WORK.
IT IS GOING TO WORK.

Now that you're TOTALLY CONVINCED IT IS GOING TO WORK,
LETS MOVE TO THE NEXT STAGE.

And that's called the:
WHAT'S GOING TO WORK? STAGE.

You're going to start practicing my MAGNET MIND style of thinking.

here's an example:

TODAY IS A BAD DAY .

Now How does that make you feel?

BAD, right? THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE USING THE WORD BAD and JUST LIKE A MAGNET, IT'S PULLING
ALL THINGS BAD TO IT!

NOW TRY THIS:

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY!

FEELS GOOD, RIGHT? IT'S THE WORD GOOD that's PULLING all the GOOD THINGS to it,
with MAGNET POWER!

MAGNETIZE YOUR MIND!
AND IT WILL PULL TO YOU WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING!

PLEASE DON'T SAY "THAT'S CRAZY" or "THIS WON'T WORK!"
'CAUSE NOW THAT YOU'RE USING MAGNET MIND POWER,
YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GO CRAZY or NOTHING WILL WORK OUT FOR YOU.
BECAUSE THE MAGNET WILL PULL IN THE WORD "CRAZY" or "WON'T WORK"
AND DRAW THINGS TO THEM.

SAY GOOD WORDS LIKE:
JOYFUL.
SUCCESSFUL.
PEACE.
MONEY.
GIRLFRIEND/SEX.
ALL BILLS PAID.
NO JAIL TIME.
DELICIOUS FOOD.
RELAXING NAP.
ALL NEEDS MET.
THIS IS FUN.
A FIRM AND HEALTHY BODY.
SOMEONE ELSE'S FIRM AND HEALTHY BODY.
GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.

AND LIKE MAGIC, THESE THINGS WILL BE PULLED TO YOU.

So what if none of these things are actually in your life NOW?
COME ON!
THINK!
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SAYING THEM!
THE MAGNET MIND HAS NOTHING TO WORK WITH BUT CRAP!

AND CRAP ATTRACTS CRAP, and flies and disease and a bad smell and on and on.
LIKE A WHAT?

RIGHT! LIKE A MAGNET!

STOP ATTRACTING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT!
THE MAGNET MIND WORKS FOR GOOD OR BAD.
ITS UP TO YOU.

USE THE MAGNET FOR GOOD!

http://www.clamlynch.com

Posted by clamlynch at 8:58 AM

January 2, 2010

I WOULD MAKE A GOOD KING. i'm not saying I WANT TO BE KING—i'm just saying IF I WAS.

IMAGINE there was a king. And let's say he was mean and greedy to poor people, and then the poor people got mad and did something bad to the king like broke a window or something.

THEN all the smarter people around the king said "HEY, WHY ARE THOSE POOR PEOPLE SO MAD?"

SO the smart people said let's find out what's wrong, and why them poor folk hate us so much, and try to FIX IT, and help them.

But the king and his mean sidekicks said "screw that, let's kill them and take all their shit!"

NOW THIS WOULD NEVER REALLY HAPPEN .

BUT IT'S A STORY ABOUT WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO NOT BE MEAN OR ANGRY.

BEING MEAN OR ANGRY WILL MAKE YOU UNSUCCESSFUL.

BE NICE AND LIFE WILL BE NICE RIGHT BACK AT YA!

I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE POOR AND ANGRY.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO BREAK MY WINDOW .

I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND RICH AND BRING ME CANDY.
I WILL NOT BE A MEAN KING.

I WILL BE AN UNDERSTANDING, PEACE-LOVING, HELPFUL KING-ISH TYPE OF RULER.

A BETTER KINGDOM IS AT HAND, LET'S GET CRACKING!

Posted by clamlynch at 10:37 PM

ATTENTION BRAIN: YOU are NOT BEING CHASED BY A DINOSAUR!

THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE.

YOU MIGHT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO SURVIVE A DINOSAUR ATTACK WHEN THINGS GET STRESSFUL.

FOLKS, IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.

IT'S JUST LEFT OVER CAVEMAN STINKIN' THINKIN'.

AND HEY, NEWS FLASH—DINOSAURS HAVE BEEN EXTINCT FOR A COUPLE HUNDRED YEARS!

STOP WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT DINOSAUR ATTACKS.

LET GO OF THAT OLD THINKING, AND YOUR FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT DINOSAUR ATTACK'N ATTITUDE!

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE NOT THAT BIG ('CAUSE DINOSAURS ARE TOTALLY BIG!)

IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.
IN THE DEEP DARK CAVE PART OF YOUR MIND.

OH MY GOD!!! LOOK OUT, THERE'S A DINOSAUR BEHIND YOU!!

JUST KIDDING.

PUT DOWN THAT POINTY STICK and PICK UP YOUR STRESS/DINOSAUR-FREE NEW LIFE.

DON'T CAVE-IN.
LOVE,CLAMASAURS

Posted by clamlynch at 10:34 PM